Are We Sleeping?

by Tonia

With a smile on his face and a look of relief, my 22 year old son walked out of an Illinois prison. He had only been there for 2 months, but adding in the county time, he spent a year of his life incarcerated. He was so happy to be free and I was so happy to have him home again. Neither of us knew what was about to happen.

To sum up the events that led him to prison, my son, at age 19, had a "consensual" relationship with his 16 year old girlfriend. Her parents (divorced) both seemed to like him. Her father had the "wear a condom with my daughter" talk, took him camping with them and even had him working for him at his company. The mother had him over to her house on numerous occasions and even though I thought she was a bit immature, he was in love so we let him be. Almost a year into the relationship, a custody battle broke out between her parents and the father called the police on my son. He was arrested and charged with sexual misconduct with a child and possession of child pornography (they found a topless picture of her).

Now, 3 years later, he is a registered sex offender! It didn't matter that she and her mother were in court to testify on his behalf. It didn't matter that she was now 18 and sitting in the front row of the courtroom crying, saying "I am NOT a victim!" The deal my son was offered (which was no deal at all) was that the child pornography charge would be dropped, he would be immediately released from jail (which is funny since I sat in the parking lot for over 4 hours waiting for him), he would be on probation for 2-1/2 years and they were not to see one another during the time of probation.

While he was in jail, I kept his apartment for him. It did not fall within the 500 foot restrictions of a school, church, park or daycare so I decided since it was a "safe place" for him, I continued to pay his rent. He got his job back at a gas station and worked one day before the local police told him he could not work within 500 feet of a school. His manager transferred him to another store in another city, but again, the police told him he could not work there. We found out later, from the Illinois State Police, that the 500 foot restrictions did NOT apply to employment. I was shocked that the police could enforce a law that wasn't even a law. I took the letter to one of the police stations and an officer agreed that he could work near a school and said that the restrictions only applied to where he lived. They wouldn't help him get his job back.

A few months later, something unreal happened – something we never saw coming. After seeing his girlfriend again (like a dumbass) and FINALLY deciding that sneaking around to see one another could not work, they broke up. I was so happy, I finally felt relieved. A month later, his (now) ex-girlfriend found out he was seeing someone else and went to the police station and told them that they had been seeing each other. He was arrested for violating probation and in the end, wound up in prison. She told the police that they weren't supposed to be together and they did it anyway. She told them that it was HER that went to him and that he NEVER came to see her. The police asked her what she wanted to happen to him and she said, "If we were caught together, he would go to prison for 10 years. He has to pay for what he did to me." Well, she got it. As he sat in prison, she moved on. Within a month, she was engaged to someone else and is now pregnant at age 18. I found this picture she drew in his apartment. I guess she got her way.


While my son's release date was approaching, my excitement grew. I knew the relationship was finally over, she had moved on and he was finally going to get his life back. Did I say "get his life back?" That's a joke! His life will never be the same again!

He walked out of prison with more papers in his hands than I had to sign when I bought my house. We found out he would be on house arrest during parole (1 year) and had to wear a monitoring bracelet on his ankle. His parole office told me that I HAD to tell his landlord that he would be renting to a sex offender. The landlord had a "Notice to Vacate" the property served a few days later, giving him 2 months to move. We had to take his computer out of his apartment - even though it doesn't have internet access. We had to remove his Japanese swords from his walls. He's not even allowed to have a dog. He has to call in any movement ahead of time and wait 2 days to find out if it is approved. He is not allowed around anyone under the age of 18, including family members. He is not allowed to go to anyone's house during the first 6 months of parole. He cannot live near a school, church, park or daycare. He has to go to sex offender counseling during the period of his parole. Sounds like conditions of a murderer doesn't it? No, a murderer can do his time and when he's released he can get his life back. A sex offender's life is ruined - even for a teenage consensual relationship! How could this happen to my son? How could the laws and society put him in this category?


The sex offender registry is a joke and I'm here to tell you why. First of all, 90-95% of sex crimes happen with someone the person knows or within the family. Did you hear that - WITHIN THE FAMILY! So how is knowing where every so-called sex offender lives protecting anyone? Wasn't the registry started to "protect our children?" Do you think you can look at an online registry and see where the sex offenders live and your child is safe? Do you think seeing my son's face on the computer is protecting anyone? Think again!

So, here we are, just a few weeks away from him having to move. If I don't find him a new place to live, he will spend the next year of his life back in prison. He cannot live with me because my 15 year old step-son lives with us. He cannot stay with my dad because he is too close to a church and a day care. He cannot stay with my mom because she is too close to a church. He cannot stay with either of my siblings because they live in Missouri and he's not allowed to travel out of state. The search for housing has been ongoing since the day he was released. Out of 12 management companies, 4 are willing to help us. I have checked into over 200 apartments, trailers and houses. After checking the residency restrictions (some cities going up to 1500 feet), I have it narrowed down to 7 - parole narrowed those 7 down to 2. One of the 2 properties where he can live, they are building a park next door to one. We have 1 option left and it's over 20 miles away (well, it was nice having him a mile from me for awhile anyway). We find out next week if this is his new home.

As for employment, well, that's a joke too! He has filled out over 15 applications, not including the 10 or so I filled out for him online. I put together a letter explaining his so-called crime, attached his resume to it (blocking out all personal information) and included a brochure where the state offers a $2,400 tax credit to employers who hire offenders. I took these letters and mailed them to 88 businesses in our area. We've had 1 response and that was only to refer us to a program at a college – which appears to be his only option.
My son and I sat in his small apartment on Thanksgiving and we will sit in his apartment again on Christmas. He cannot see any of his 9 cousins who love him dearly. This isn't just affecting him, it's affecting our entire family.

I took him to counseling earlier this week and spoke to his counselor. I asked him why they required counseling for a teenage consensual relationship. He told me that when my son was on probation, he wasn't required to have counseling but because he violated probation, he had to attend now. I asked him, "So his punishment for violating probation, by seeing his girlfriend who was 18 by then, was a year of counseling?" He said "yes." I asked him if there was a way to be evaluated so they could see that he is of no threat to children and be released from counseling and he told me no. He said they wouldn't require counseling for someone that didn't need it. Are you kidding me? Do you really think he needs counseling for doing something that MANY of us did 10, 20 or 30 years ago? What's the matter with this country? How can we label teenagers and young adults as sex offenders for "consensual" acts? How can we label someone a sex offender who never hurt anyone, let alone a child? What happened to Land of the Free - Home of the Brave? We're not free and if this is what we call brave, boy are we in serious trouble!

I'm very discouraged right now - actually, I'm very pissed off right now, but I do believe that because of this anger and resentment at our current laws that change will happen eventually. It's forcing me to voice my opinion more and when my son is moved and settled, my voice is getting even louder. I'm not sitting back anymore and watching these young men (and women) have their lives ruined. I'm not going to sit back quietly while the judges, prosecuting attorney, parole officers, etc. continue to ruin the futures of our sons and daughters (not to mention the adult lives ruined by false accusations or looking at a few pictures - with no actual "victim." If we don't stand up for our rights now, someday, we will ALL be sex offenders. For heaven's sake America, WAKE UP!